You know what I hate?

I have about a bazillion reviews I want to do right now, which is actually really daunting, because every time I'm like "hey, I should review this awesome record I'm listening to," I think of the other 999,999,999,999 records I want to review and can't figure out which one goes first. Maybe I'll just do them all in one big clearinghouse post.

Either way, to keep the blog from collecting dust while I decide what the fuck to review next, I'm going to bring up one of my pet peeves and the three people who read this blog can then bring this topic up at dinner parties for further discussion.

*Ahem* (Climbing up on giant soapbox)

You know what I hate? I hate talking about heavy music with people who don't listen to heavy music. Not like your mom who's NEVER heard heavy music (my mom described my band's sound to us as "ju-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh" to us a few weeks ago, right around the same time my boss, who is a really lovely person but not too hip with the kids, played me a slide guitar based Christmas song and asked me "is this metal?"). I'm talking about someone who THINKS they listen to heavy music but has never come within ten feet of it.

The conversation usually goes something like this:

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Some Fucking Idiot: Dude. Have you heard the new Tool record?

Me: No.

SFI: Dude. Dude. Seriously. It's like... the HEAVIEST fucking record ever. It might even be heavier than The Great Southern Trendkill. I NEVER thought anyone would pull that off, but Tool totally did it!

Me: Sounds great.

SFI: Yeah. I mean, after that last Disturbed record wasn't as heavy as their first record, I was pretty down on metal, but the new Tool record totally turned me around.

Me: Cool. Good for you.

SFI: So you like heavy music, right?

Me: Yeah.

SFI: Like what? Slipknot?

Me: Well, no. Like, uh, lately I've been listening to Esoteric, and the last Neurosis record was pretty heavy, and, hmmm... The new Ancestors album is pretty thick sounding. Here, take a listen...

SFI: Hmmm... This is okay. But they're just ripping off Pantera.

Me: (Head explodes)

AND... Scene!

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So yeah. A couple of years ago, a whole bunch of my students showed up to class wearing matching Tool shirts. This was the tour when they had Isis opening for them. I asked them how the show was and they gushed. I asked them how Isis was and they said that Isis was a "weak-ass, pussy, bunch of Tool-wannabes." Now while it's definitely true that Isis has gone more in that direction in the last couple years, there's this weird blinder thing that people have where they have a total inability to tell a band that's "heavy" from a band that "uses distortion."

Here, then, are my criteria for heavy bands:

1) Thick sound- not scooped, like Pantera, but THICK. Metallica are not particularly "heavy" just because they have some guitar distortion. The sound should feel like it's fucking engulfing you.

2) Riffy and/or doomy- if the riffs aren't pushing that thick sound towards its logical end by showing it off in sludgy riffs, then it's not heavy. Therefore, just chugging on low chords is not necessarily heavy. Feeling like you're being kicked in the gut by mean-ass riffs is fucking heavy.

3) See items 1) and 2). That's fucking it.

To assist you in making the mental connections necessary, here's my list of bands that are fucking heavy vs. bands that people say are heavy, but aren't particularly heavy:

HEAVY
Cavity
Neurosis
Asunder
Buried At Sea
Bongripper
Ocean
Ocean Chief
Sunn O)))
Reverend Bizarre
Esoteric
Corrupted
Dirge
Boris (when they feel like it)
LentO
Pelican (on their first two albums)
Deadbird
God's Temple of Family Deliverance
Men in Search of the Perfect Weapon
Rosetta
Seven Nautical Miles
Tides
Weedeater
Sleep (on Dopesmoker)
Juicfer (on the Lambs ep, mostly)
etc.

NOT HEAVY
Tool (I cannot stress this enough)
Pantera, save a few songs (once again, I cannot stress this enough)
Metallica
Danzig
Deicide
Emperor
Almost anything which the words "Nu" or "metal" can be applied to
etc.

Please note that I like many bands which are not heavy, including a few of the ones listed above. I'm just intensely bothered by the utilization of the term "heavy" to describe any band which flips the distortion on.

We have to have some fucking standards here, people.

So there you have it.

I guess that I'm MOSTLY just irritated when people listen to mediocre music and then when you say "hey, you should check this out, too" take the attitude of "why would I listen to that when it's automatically a pale imitator of this much bigger band which I heard first?" I feel like I've tried to convince so many people who are into some of the above mentioned bands to check out stuff that's the same idea, but better, only to be met with a totally blank stare which seems to say "but Tool invented music. Why would I listen to anything else?"

We geniuses are always unappreciated in our time.

Okay. I feel better now. I'm done ranting, and I'm going to actually commit to a record and write a review to get up here. Have a good weekend.